Charlie and his sototallynot gay brother
by Emerald939
Summary: Charlie, Allen, and Jake take a trip to the mall. Watch out public, here come the Harpers! Most likely a one-shot.


**Charlie and his so-totally-_not_ gay-brother**

Disclaimer: Hello all! Just wanted to mention how awesome it is that I have all this money, power, fame, etc… from creating Two and a Half Men, don't you wish you had it too? Oh… wait, I don't have all that and I DO wish I did! *pout* Nothing belongs to me people.

**A/N: No offense to anyone is meant here, this is supposed to be funny so no flames please. Thanks to everyone who has reviewed my other stories. I'm sorry if I haven't replied to some of you but that doesn't mean they don't make my day better each time I get one. (hint hint, lol) Enjoy!**

As Charlie Harper marched up and down the mall hallways searching for his moronic brother, Allen, he thought about the horrible day he had just had. There had been many thoughts on how 'things can't possibly get any worse' and, of course, they had. And it had all started when they lost Allen.

Glancing to his side, Charlie noticed his nephew, Jake, looking sadly at his almost gone corndog. Sighing, he dug into his pocket and handed the kid a 5. "Here, go get yourself another one before you sic child services on us with that look of starvation. God knows we don't need them around again".

As Jake absorbed that comment and left (the boy really was like a sponge), Charlie continued looking around. The devil only knew where Allen could be. The idiot had somehow gotten himself roped into attending some cowboy fashion show. He couldn't believe how naïve his little brother could be; those cowboys obviously wanted Allen to judge more than their boots.

Charlie turned to see if Jake had come back when he heard, "Hey, put me down you guys!" in his brothers grating tones. Seeing the strangest sight he had ever seen before, his eyes widened like in the old cartoons.

Suddenly very glad that Jake hadn't come over yet Charlie quickly ran over to the concession stand and went to him. "Hey buddy, here's another 20, why don't you go on down to the arcade for a while and I'll go get your old man, hmm?"

Beaming dreamily at the beautiful 20 in his hand, Jake thanked his uncle and ran off without questioning his good luck.

Turning back to the spectacle forming in the food court, Charlie tried bravely to keep his hysteria in. Slowly walking towards the western group he couldn't take it anymore, he just fell on the floor practically choking with maniacal laughter.

Noticing the looks he was getting Charlie got off of the floor and, chuckling still, he continued walking to the crazy looking group. What he saw was definitely worth laughing over. There, sitting among the fashion show cowboys was his brother, lying across the shoulders of about three or four different men.

Now while this in itself would make a nice story to embarrass Allen with, it wasn't what had caused Charlie to become so overwhelmed. No, that honor went to just how far his brother had gone to be included with these guys. Allen Harper was wearing a red cowboy hat, pink feather boa, black cowboy boots, and chaps (thankfully with something under them).

But best of all? Well that would be how he was wearing it all in public, within full view of cameras and everything else, while shirtless. That's right, he said SHIRTLESS!

The men surrounding Allen all looked to be having a _marvelous_ time singing show tunes to a fascinated public of adoring fan girls. Want to guess who the star soloist of the night was? That's right, this episode of 'carousing with cowboys' starred the one, the only, Allen Harper!

As Charlie watched, breathless for the moment, he saw Allen finally get down. Of course he couldn't stop there though. Striding into the arms of one of the muscle boys he danced around to Judy Garland, apparently the last song of the night, according to the guy with the microphone anyway.

So as the music wound down so did Allen. Muscle man dipped him back in time to the beat and on the last note his head touched the floor and his eyes opened. The first thing he saw was Charlie staring at him with a look that Allen had, unfortunately, seen many times before. It was his 'I am never going to let you live this down for as long as I live' look.

The first words out of Charlie's mouth were, "Well, doesn't this just look like a big ol' gay time".

And as Allen sprang back up he said defensively, "Charlie, I'm not gay!" Of course Allen chose, in his panic, to yell this so loud most of the room could here it, including his new "friends" who started to frown at him.

Smirking charmingly, Charlie said, "Why Allen! I'm so ashamed of you, I simply meant that you all look very happy and like you're having fun". When the people caught a glimpse of Charlie, it seemed like they gravitated towards him. Allen looked askance at his partners in fashion crime. Just a second ago they had been dancing like they had known each other for years.

Allen knew what happened though, Charlie walked in, caused him to get all flustered and blurt out things he didn't mean, and managed to get everyone to like him in about 30 seconds. Still blustering apologies, Allen looked down at himself and turned red. It was probably long past time for him to go change.

While the cowboy's flirted with his brother, and Charlie flirted with all the adoring women, Allen quickly asked in a whisper, "Charlie where's Jake, I want to get out of here as soon as I change."

Speaking over Charlie's answer about the arcade Allen said sarcastically, "Oh and thanks sooo much for the opportunity to make my life that much more humiliating". Dropping the grin, as well as his jaw, in disbelief Charlie said, "Sure Allen, no problem. Least I could do, what with your leaving me with Jake all afternoon while you went off and partied! Now why don't you go change and then we'll go get Jake from the arcade where he's spending _my_ 20 dollars! And you are so paying for dinner this time you cheapskate!"

Storming back into the center of things Charlie left Allen there to look ashamed of himself and slink away to the bathrooms.

When he got back into his regular clothes, Allen just stood there and stared at his previous clothing in shock. He couldn't believe what he had just spent the afternoon doing. He walked out of the stall and up behind the huge group of people.

He overheard Charlie talking. "Now I'm not saying that there's anything wrong with it. Personally I am a very big supporter of the gay community, and… *ladies groan*, oh don't worry women, (Charlie winks) I swing solely for the ladies. But anyway, my brother just has always seemed so ashamed of it and his sexuality. I've tried for years to help, (many sighs of 'aww' go around the room) but he just refuses to… "AHHHHHHHHHHH!"

A huge scream rushed through the food court. Allen jumped on Charlie's back like a monkey all the while shouting "I am not gay!!" After wrestling for many minutes the two of them separated. By this time the room had been cleared; no one wanted to risk being around a crazy person.

Gasping for air they both sheepishly avoided the others looks. Silently, they agreed with their eyes to drop the subject.

"So… I guess we should go get Jake now?" Charlie said with forced cheerfulness.

"Yeah, before he gets into more trouble than I'm sure he already has" Alan replied.

Strolling along on their way to the lower levels of the mall people seemed to clear a path for them almost subconsciously. When they reached the doors, their heads dropped simultaneously. All around them was a disaster. "Apparently Jake takes after his dad in more ways than just his intelligence, or lack there of" Charlie said with a grin. Just then a manager came up with Jake's shirt caught in her hands. "This kid belong to you guys?" she asked forcefully.

That was when the yelling began.

When Charlie got sick of that, he decided it was time to turn on the charm.

He also wanted to get Jake off the hook so after he got onto her good side he started building up the sympathy.

"Yeah, it's been tough on the little guy. His parents divorce along with other issues. He has been really great with supporting his father during this difficult time. You know how hard it is on kids when one of the parents turns out to be gay" Charlie said as sincerely as possible.

Seconds after these words came out of his mouth Allen, who had been helping with the damages, went insane shouting his new 'catchphrase' at Charlie. Jake just sat on the ground eating his chocolate and watching his personal wrestling match. And the cycle began again.

It was going to be a long couple of weeks before they could live this down (and before Allen would be able to get _any _woman to go out with him).

**A/N: Okay, I had a lot of fun writing this, hope people enjoy reading it as much as I did creating it. Leave some feedback please? It makes me sooo happy, which makes other people happy. So really by leaving a review you are making the whole world happy. And did anyone buy that? : ) lol.**


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